“Santa baby, slip a rolex under the tree” is the first line to my favorite Christmas song of all time - Michael Bublé’s cover of the Christmas classic “Santa Baby”. It is rare that a Christmas song so accidentally brings to light gender politics. The only other example that comes to mind is “Baby, it’s Cold Outside”, sometimes referred to as the “date rape song” (“hey, what’s in this drink?”). However, while the latter has the potential to be much more sinister if interpreted critically, it can also be interpreted as a cute Christmas song with no ulterior motives. Michael Bublé’s “Santa Baby”, however, has little room for interpretation. It is a desperate attempt to take a traditionally feminine song and make it hypermasculine. This is particularly difficult for “Santa Baby”. One cannot simply change the pronouns to avert feminine gender norms. So Michael Bublé commits to removing and changing all references to femininity - and the result is a beautiful mess.
The following are my favorite changes to the song, in order from least to most ridiculous.
“Slip a rolex under the tree”
The original lyric here was “sable”. I had to google what that meant in the context of the song. A sable is a small animal, and the original lyric refers to a coat made out of its fur. Since the lyric is outdated anyway, and I don’t see a reason anyone needs to buy fur fashion, I don’t particularly mind this lyric change.
“Cha-ching”
This is a replacement for “one little thing - a ring, and I don’t mean on the phone”. He wants money. What else was he going to do with this lyric? It’s not particularly exciting.
“Canucks Tix”
I had to google this. It’s hockey tickets. Men like sports.
“With some decorations bought at Mercedes”
This is following the “come and trim my Christmas tree” lyric, with “Mercedes” as a replacement for “Tiffany’s”. What kinds of decorations does one get at Mercedes? I thought they just sold cars. Perhaps, as a delicate female, I was simply uneducated in this common male knowledge. So I looked up “Mercedes decorations”, and all I could find were pictures of Mercedes cars decorated with flowers and sashes. Which begs the question - do men know what decorations are? Or are they only aware of cars and hockey?
“All the hotties that I haven’t kissed”
Now here’s where we get into some lore. It is clear in the original version of “Santa Baby” what the singer’s leverage is in this relationship - she is essentially his sugar baby. But what is Bublé’s leverage? He has made it very clear throughout the song that his relationship with Mr. Claus is not of a sexual nature. So here’s what I’m getting from this line. Santa is worried that Bublé could steal Mrs. Claus if he wanted to. Like my mother, Mrs. Claus is in love with Mr. Bublé. Each year, Bublé makes veiled threats to Santa that he could get with Mrs. Claus. And because Santa knows that Bublé isn’t bluffing, he bribes him with a multitude of expensive gifts. This money could have gone to gifts for boys and girls on the nice list but no - it goes to Michael Bublé. I would hope that the North Pole is investigating this embezzlement of public funds.
“A 64 convertible too - steel blue”
Light blue is gay I guess.
Personally, I think I male cover of “Santa Baby” would have been far more effective without any changes to the lyrics. No one thinks that Michael Bublé wrote the song. Singers aren’t always singing from their own perspectives. But this idea was too uncomfortable for Bublé, which is understandable given the pervasiveness of toxic masculinity in society. I realize that “toxic masculinity” can come across as a nonsense buzzword, so it might make more sense put differently - no woman would feel particularly uncomfortable singing about Mercedes or hockey or rolexes, but Michael Bublé wouldn’t dare be caught name-dropping Tiffany’s. This masculinity is so ever-present that even light blue isn’t safe from its effects. I imagine that as Bublé was singing his hyper-altered version of the Christmas classic, he was still uncomfortable with the idea of uttering the words “Santa Baby”. No matter how many changes someone makes, it remains impossible to fully live up to the expectations of masculinity set for men. And nowhere is that more apparent than the glorious, terrible, Christmas masterpiece that is Michael Bublé’s cover of Santa Baby.
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